Funny Monologues to Read for College Students

Let'due south face information technology: preparing for an audition is nearly every bit stressful as the audition itself. For many performers, much of that pre-audition feet comes in the course of choosing a well-suited monologue. Just like every actress, every monologue brings something new to the table – especially when it comes to comedy!

Adjacent time you're looking to slay an audition with a funny monologue (YAS, QUEEN!), peruse this various collection.

Here are 17 slap-up comedic monologues for women:

1. "And so, the day later I turned 18…" – Val Clarke from 'A Chorus Line'

Chances are, you lot and Val accept at to the lowest degree one thing in mutual: y'all're familiar with the trials and tribulations of auditioning. This witty monologue, from the acclaimed musical, 'A Chorus Line,' denotes one dancer'south darkly comedic journey to the Broadway stage.

Monologue Length: 2:ten – ii:30

"So, the day later on I turned 18, I kissed the folks good day, got on a Trailways passenger vehicle – and headed for the big bad apple. Crusade I wanted to be a Rockette. Oh, yeah, let's become one thing straight. See, I never heard about "The Red Shoes," I never saw "The Ruby-red Shoes," I didn't give a fu** about "The Red Shoes." I decided to be a Rockette considering this girl in my domicile town – Louella Heiner – had actually gotten out and fabricated it in New York. And she was a Rockette. Well, she came domicile one Christmas to visit, and they gave her a parade. A goddamn parade! I twirled a friggin' billy for 2 hours in the rain. Unfortunately though, she got knocked up over Christmas. Merry Christmas – and never made it dorsum to Radio Urban center. That was my plan. New York, New York. Except I had one minor problem. See, I was ugly as sin. I was ugly, skinny, homely, unattractive and apartment as a pancake. Become the picture? Anyway, I got off this bus in my little white shoes, my little white tights, little white dress, my piffling ugly face, and my long blonde hair – which was natural then. I looked like a fucking nurse! I had 87 dollars in my pocket and seven years of tap and acrobatics. I could do a hundred and eighty degree dissever and come upwardly tapping the Morse Lawmaking. Well, with that kind of talent I figured the Mayor would be waiting for me at Port Say-so. Incorrect! I had to wait half-dozen months for an audition. Well, finally the large day came. I showed up at the Music Hall with my crimson patent leather tap shoes. And I did my little tap routine. And this man said to me: Tin can you practise fankicks? – Well, sure I could exercise terrific fankicks. Simply they weren't good enough. Of course, what he was trying to tell me was…information technology was the way I looked, non the fankicks. And so I said: Fuck yous, Radio City and the Rockettes! I'thou gonna make on Broadway!

Well, Broadway, aforementioned story. Every audition. I mean I'd dance rings around the other girls and find myself in the alley with the other rejects. Merely later a while I caught on. I mean I had optics. I saw what they were hiring. I also swiped my dance card once after an audience. And on a scale of 10….they gave me for dance ten. For looks: 3."

ii. "I tin't open up sardines and respond the telephone…" – Dotty Otley from 'Noises Off'

Who doesn't beloved an audition where you're playing a graphic symbol auditioning to play a grapheme? This play-within-a-play features Amorous Otley, a done-up extra who has a flare for the dramatics. Dotty is not only a master investor in the play'southward production simply cherishes the part of Mrs. Clackett, a gossipy housekeeper.

Monologue Length: 1:10 – i:25

"Information technology's no good you going on. I tin't open sardines and respond the telephone. I've only got ane pair of anxiety. Hello…. Yes, simply at that place'due south no ane hither, love…. No, Mr. Brent's not here…He lives here, yeah, only he don't live hither now because he lives in Espana… Mr. Philip Brent, that's right…. The one who writes the plays, that'due south him, merely now he writes them in Spain… No, she's in Spain, too, they're all in Spain, there's no one here… Am I in Spain? No, I'grand not in Kingdom of spain, dear. I await after the house for him, but I go home at one o'clock on Wed, simply I've got a nice plate of sardines to put my anxiety up with, considering it's the majestic what'south-it'southward chosen on the telly — the royal you know — where's the paper, and then? And if information technology'due south to exercise with letting the firm and so you'll have to band the house-agents, considering they're the agents for the house…. Squire Squire, Hackham and who'due south the other one…? No, they're not in Spain, they're next to the phone in the study. Squire, Squire, Hackham, and hold on, I'll go and look. Always the aforementioned, isn't information technology. Soon as you take the weight off your feet, downward information technology all comes on your head."

3. "I sighted a herd near Penguin's Creek" – Lady Mary from 'The Admirable Crichton'

If information technology's traveling back in fourth dimension you like, choose the words of Lady Mary Lasenby, daughter of an English language lord who is stuck on a deserted isle with fellow aristocrats. Derived from a play by James M. Barrie (creator of 'Peter Pan'), this challenging monologue proves a unique choice.

Monologue Length: 45 seconds – 1 minute

"I sighted a herd near Penguin's Creek, but had to creep round Argent Lake to become to windward of them. However, they spotted me and then the fun began. There was null for it only to try and run them down, then I singled out a fat buck and abroad we went down the shore of the lake, upwards the valley of rolling stones; he doubled into Brawling River and took to the h2o, but I swam after him; the river is only half a mile broad there, but it runs stiff. He went spinning down the rapids, down I went in pursuit; he clambered ashore, I clambered ashore; away we tore helter-skelter upwardly the hill and down again. I lost him in the marshes, got on his rails once again near Bread Fruit Wood, and brought him down with an arrow in Firefly Grove."

4. "[Let me] tell you again, Grace, how of import it is to give everyone a chance." – Mrs. Armstrong from 'The Best Christmas Pageant E'er'

Enter Mrs. Armstrong: veteran Christmas pageant manager dedicated to ensuring one church building's amateur phase adaptation of the story of Jesus' birth does the Bible justice. Tackle her hilarious lecture, and you lot're certain to bring a little holiday cheer to the room.

Monologue Length: 1:xv-ane:thirty

"[Let me]tell you once more, Grace, how important it is to give everyone a adventure. Hither's what I exercise — I ever start with Mary and tell them we must choose our Mary carefully considering Mary was the female parent of Jesus… Yeah, and and then I tell them near Joseph, that he was God'south option to exist Jesus' father. That'south how I explain that. Frankly, I don't ever spend much time on Joseph because it's ever Elmer Hopkins, and he knows all nigh Mary and Joseph, but I do explain well-nigh the Wise Men and the shepherds and how important they are. And I tell them, there are no small parts, but small actors. Remind the angel choir not to stare at the audience, and don't let them wearable earrings and things like that. And don't let them wear clunky shoes or high heels. I just hope you don't have besides many baby angels, Grace, because they'll exist your biggest problem. You'll have to go someone to push the baby angels on, otherwise they get in each other'due south manner and bend their wings. Bob could practise that, and he could go along an eye on the shepherds too. Oh, another thing almost the angel choir. Don't let them wear lipstick. They think because it'southward a play that they take to article of clothing lipstick, and it looks terrible. So tell them…. And, Grace, don't use just anybody's babe for Jesus… get a tranquility one. Better nonetheless, go two if you can… then if one turns out to exist fussy, you can always switch them."

five. "I got a 'C' on my coathanger sculpture?" – Emerge Brownish from 'Y'all're A Skilful Man, Charlie Brown'

Charlie Brown and friends may exist a mere agglomeration of kids, simply the beauty of the hit musical, "You lot're A Expert Man, Charlie Brownish" is that a bandage of developed actors brings this motley coiffure to life. Poor Sally garners an boilerplate 'C' grade for a school sculpture, and she has a thing or two to say about it…

Monologue Length: 1 Minute

"A 'C'? A 'C'? I got a 'C' on my coathanger sculpture? How could anyone get a 'C' in coathanger sculpture? May I inquire a question? Was I judged on the piece of sculpture itself? If then, is information technology non truthful that fourth dimension alone can judge a work of art? Or was I judged on my talent? If so, is it fair that I be judged on a part of my life over which I take no control? If I was judged on my effort, then I was judged unfairly, for I tried as hard as I could! Was I judged on what I had learned almost this projection? If so, and then were not yous, my teacher, as well being judged on your power to transmit your knowledge to me? Are you willing to share my 'C'? Perhaps I was being judged on the quality of coathanger itself out of which my creation was made…now is this non too unfair? Am I to be judged by the quality of glaze hangers that are used by the drycleaning establishment that returns our garments? Is that not the responsibleness of my parents? Should they not share my 'C'?"

half dozen. "Do you know what I intend?" – Lucy Van Pelt from 'You're A Practiced Man, Charlie Dark-brown'

If information technology's another fellow member of Charlie Brown'southward gang that strikes your fancy (or if you accept a knack for dishing astringent sass), check out this infamous proclamation by the incomparable Lucy Van Pelt. Spoiler alarm: she intends to be a QUEEN!

Monologue Length: 1 Infinitesimal

"Practice you know what I intend? I intend to be a queen. When I abound up I'1000 going to be the biggest queen there always was, and I'll live in a large palace and when I go out in my charabanc, all the people will wave and I will shout at them, and…and…in the summertime I will go to my summer palace and I'll wear my crown in swimming and everything, and all the people will cheer and I will shout at them… What do you lot mean I can't be queen? Nobody should be kept from existence a queen if she wants to be one. It'due south usually just a matter of knowing the right people.. ..well…. if I can't be a queen, and so I'll be very rich so I will buy myself a queendom. Yes, I will buy myself a queendom and so I'll kick out the sometime queen and accept over the whole operation myself. I will be head queen."

7. "I'k sad, but a skillful HALF of the United states hates pigeons." – Janet from 'The West Fly'

Jenny Kirlin's short play offers plenty of witty political humor. If y'all're in need of a shorter monologue, consider reading this snippet of theatre that features a great opening line (nosotros do hate pigeons!)

Monologue Length: 30 Seconds

"I'm sorry, just a skilful HALF of the U.s.a. hates pigeons. I third shoots them for game. I'thousand not the but bad guy here. Y'all would have voted for an elephant if it had told you lot information technology could fix the economy. Which, by the way, is still not stock-still. A behemothic nil. […] I'm sorry if I am offending you, only I detect it more than than a fiddling offensive that I just walked my girl past a portrait of a pigeon in the National Art Gallery before I came here."

eight. "Well nil'due south perfect Benjamin" – Elaine Robinson from 'The Graduate'

If you're a motion picture buff besides every bit a theatre nerd, you may enjoy reading from the stage version of cult-classic blockbuster, 'The Graduate.' Your part? Elaine Robinson, daughter of Mrs. Robinson (*cue Simon & Garfunkel*).

Monologue Length: 1 Minute

"Well nothing'southward perfect Benjamin. I wish my mother didn't drink so much. I wish I'd never fallen out of that tree and broken my thumb because it then affects my fingering I'll probably never play the violin besides as I'd love to just that's about information technology for the bullshit, Benjamin. It'southward but bullshit if y'all let it pile upward. Heaven'due south in the details. Someone said that. I remember Robert Frost said that. I was in this diner with my roommate Diane? And this guy came forth with a caprine animal on a rope and it turns out the reason he's got a little goat on a rope is that he was thrown out the day before for bringing in his domestic dog? But the point is that Diane had stood up to leave when she saw the man walk in and she sat straight down over again and said, well if at that place's a goat I think I'll have dessert. And that'southward why I dear Diane, because if you call back like that you non only observe more little goats, you get more than dessert."

nine. "O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!" – Helena from 'A Midsummer Nighttime's Dream'

Are your acting chops shown best when getting in melody with erstwhile-school theatre? A Shakespeare monologue can do no wrong. Fortunately, The Bard did auditionees the favor of writing comedies and tragedies; and "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is one of his most beloved comedic plays. To read Helena'due south monologue or not to read Helena'south monologue, that is the question…

Monologue Length: 45 Seconds

"O, I am out of jiff in this fond chase!
The more my prayer, the bottom is my grace.
Happy is Hermia, wheresoe'er she lies;
For she hath blest and attractive optics.
How came her eyes so bright? Not with salt tears:
If so, my eyes are oftener wash'd than hers.
No, no, I am equally ugly as a bear;
For beasts that come across me run away for fear:
Therefore no marvel though Demetrius
Do, as a monster wing my presence thus.
What wicked and dissembling glass of mine
Made me compare with Hermia'southward sphery eyne?
But who is here? Lysander! on the footing!
Dead? or comatose? I see no blood, no wound.
Lysander if you live, skillful sir, awake"

x. "And why, I pray you?" – Rosalind from 'As You lot Like It'

We've some other Shakespearean gem for you: Cue Rosalind, the smart, cunning and cute heroine of 'As You lot Similar Information technology.' Yes, this comedic piece also has a dramatic flair to it but the text lends itself to some witty interpretations.

Monologue Length: 1:20-1:xxx

"And why, I pray you lot? Who might be your mother,
That yous insult, exult, and all at once,
Over the wretched? What though yous accept no beauty,–
Equally past my faith, I encounter no more in yous
Than without candle may go dark to bed,–
Must you exist therefore proud and pitiless?
Why, what means this? Why do you lot look on me?
I see no more than in you than in the ordinary
Of nature's auction-work. Od's my lilliputian life!
I think she means to tangle my eyes besides.
No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it:
'Tis non your inky brows, your black silk pilus,
Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream,
That can entame my spirits to your worship.
You foolish shepherd, wherefore do yous follow her,
Similar foggy south puffing with wind and pelting?
You are a yard times a properer man
Than she a woman: 'tis such fools as you
That make the earth full of ill-favour'd children:
'Tis not her drinking glass, but you, that flatters her;
And out of you she sees herself more than proper
Than any of her lineaments can bear witness her.
Simply, mistress, know yourself: down on your knees,
And thank heaven, fasting, for a proficient man's dear:
For I must tell you friendly in your ear,
Sell when you lot can; you are not for all markets.
Cry the human mercy; love him; accept his offer:
Foul is virtually foul, being foul to be a scoffer.
So take her to thee, shepherd. Fare y'all well."

11. "I don't know what it is with me lately but I just get then UGH!" – Kim from 'Rather Be A Man'

Joseph Arnone's one-act play, 'Rather Be A Man' chronicles ii girls who are totally done with men existence men. The e-play (available for download on MonologueBlogger.com) features a dark-clever reading into the mind of modernistic women.

Monologue Length: i:05-1:15

KIM: "I don't know what it is with me lately but I just get and then UGH! when guys come up up to me, with their cheesy lines, (imitating guy) "Hey, you lot have such a beautiful smile" or "Can I simply tell you that you are so cute". Ugh! It disgusts me. I mean, who the hell does this guy or that guy call back he is to give me such compliments? What gives him the right? I don't exercise anything to give off whatever kind of interest whatsoever, I completely look the other fashion when I meet center contact happening and they Yet come up over thinking they're so suave and information technology's simply repulsive. Yous know what I'm saying??

What does a girl have to do these days? Peradventure if I merely vomited on myself the guy would walk the other fashion merely I bet even then, I'd get, "The way you vomit on yourself is just so, and then delightful."

…All I want is to be left alone. I have a human being, I dearest my man and I do my best to be polite but the irritation and the cheesy lines are getting to be too much. Guys are blind, they actually are, OBLIVIOUS to when a daughter is non interested. There are days when I rather be a man."

12. 'Don't Expect At Me' monologue by Joseph Arnone

This monologue brings to life the high-power attitude of i high-powered way designer. If it's Meryl Streep in 'Devil Wears Prada' that acts as your creative muse, have a look at this monologue and add together your ain personality to this major diva supreme.

Monologue Length: 45 Seconds -one:00

Elmira: "Don't look at me. (points) You lot. Eh, eh, eh…when I address y'all, do not wait at me. No eye contact. Is that understood? Expect abroad. (beat) Okay, wait at me at present. (snaps her fingers) I told you not to await at me. Fifty-fifty if I tell yous to look at me, do non wait at me. Understood? Adept, expert darling.

(she removes her gloves and hands them to her assistant)

Oh! I have something in my middle, tin you help me? (pointing) Looking, looking, looking! NO looking under all circumstances.

Yous must raise upward that attending span of yours. A fish could retain more darling. That is truthful. I accept read it. Less attention bridge than a fish.

Practise not let that be you darling."

13. "Something I've resurrected from that old torso!" – Amanda Wingfield from 'The Glass Menagerie'

Own the audition room with some Tennessee Williams every bit yous portray Amanda Wingfield, ane of the most well-known roles in 'The Glass Menagerie.' Though chock full of drama, there are $.25 of comedic relief throughout the accolade-winning play. This monologue is spoken by Amanda, an crumbling and overbearing mother.

Monologue Length: two Minutes

"Possess your soul in patience – you lot volition see!

Something I've resurrected from that one-time trunk! Styles haven't inverse so terribly much after all.

[She parts the portières.]

Now just expect at your female parent !

[She wears a girlish apron of yellowed voile with a blueish silk sash. She carries a bunch of jonquils – the legend of her youth is nearly revived.]

[Feverishly]: This is the clothes in which I led the cotillion, won the cakewalk twice at Dusk Hill, wore i spring to the Governor's brawl in Jackson ! See how I sashayed effectually the ballroom, Laura?

[She raises her skirt and does a mincing pace effectually the room.] I wore it on Sundays for my gentlemen callers ! I had it on the day I met your begetter. I had malaria fever all that spring. The modify of climate from East Tennessee to the Delta – weakened resistance I had a little temperature all the time – not enough to be serious – just enough to make me restless and giddy. Invitations poured in – parties all over the Delta! – 'Stay in bed,' said mother, 'y'all have fever!' – but I simply wouldn't. – I took quinine but kept on going, going ! Evenings, dances ! – Afternoons, long, long rides! Picnics. – lovely! – So lovely, that country in May. – All lacy with dogwood, literally flooded with jonquils! – That was the spring I had the craze for jonquils. Jonquils became an absolute obsession. Mother said, 'Love, at that place'due south no more than room for jonquils.' And notwithstanding I kept on bringing in more than jonquils. Whenever, wherever I saw them, I'd say, "Stop ! Terminate! I come across jonquils ! I fabricated the immature men help me gather the jonquils ! It was a joke, Amanda and her jonquils ! Finally there were no more vases to agree them, every bachelor infinite was filled with jonquils. No vases to concur them? All right, I'll hold them myself – And then I – [She stops in forepart of the movie.] met your begetter ! Malaria fever and jonquils and so – this – boy…. [She switches on the rose-coloured lamp.] I promise they get here earlier it starts to rain."

fourteen. 'Ferret Envy' monologue by Tara Meddaugh

Ferret murderers and unconventional pets run amok in this monologue past playwright Tara Meddaugh. Possibly yous're looking to read something that reflects your unique, one-of-a-kind sense of humour. We think this bizarrely wild scenario might exercise simply the trick.

Monologue Length: 2 Minutes

Jyoti: "I know you think I murdered your ferret, but—hey, stop crying. You're gonna make me cry also. And you (starts crying)—know—happens—when—we—both—start—oh! I'chiliad doing it too now…Okay. Okay. What would Zena exercise? Julia, your ferret ran abroad. He did. I know y'all don't want to believe me, but I know this, because…well, I saw him. And I was wearing my spectacles, then I had 20/20. Or 20/thirty. I demand a new prescription. Simply I could even so see it was Foozu, and he was wearing the yellowish rain slicker, not the winter coat yous necktie dyed for him, so I call back he was headed for Seattle. And, I don't call back we should go after him, Julia. That Payless box wasn't big enough; you always forgot to feed him, and when yous did, it was usually merely pebbles and sticks—and I actually don't think ferrets tin can live on that. Seattle has a lot more to offer Foozu. Food, drinks, warm shelter, intellectual stimulation, perpetual contentment. He deserves that, don't yous think? I, I know coming in and seeing me with the knife over Foozu'south box makes it look rather strange. But. . . Well. . . You lot miss him, don't you? (suspension) I could be your ferret. Don't dismiss it correct away. I'd be a good pet. I like to roll upward in small places and I don't heed rocks and sticks. You could knit me a wintertime coat, and y'all don't even have to tie dye it if you don't want to. That's okay with me. Is that okay with you? I'yard gonna simply rinse this knife off and throw this lilliputian purse away, so I'll curl up in my box. I found a new one—a size eleven! I'll wait for you in that location and you can throw me a ball, okay? Unless, you don't desire me to be your ferret. You don't demand to back abroad from me. . . Don't you want me here anymore? If I'chiliad not hither, who's going to sing to yous? I know the entire soundtrack to Sleepless In—don't be scared—I'll—only I don't know where I'grand supposed to go, Julia. (suspension) I could follow Foozu. I could—I could go to Seattle. . . . I'll follow Foozu. Only Julia, when I go, yous'll have to clean off the knife again—I won't exist able to do it. . . . I don't have a yellow slicker."

15. "Brothers and sisters, resist the Devil…" – Sarah Brown from 'Guys and Dolls'

Stride up onto your discourse and dive into the office of Sarah Brownish. In a buzzing New York Urban center, Sarah is assail bringing truth to sinners. This lively monologue is one of the well-nigh memorable from this Tony Honour-winning musical.

Monologue Length: 45 Seconds – 1 Minute

"Brothers and sisters, resist the Devil and he will flee from you lot. That is what the Bible tells us. And that is why I am standing here, in the Devil's own metropolis, on the Devil'southward own street, prepared to practise battle with the forces of evil. Hear me, you gamblers! With your die, your cards, your horses! Suspension and recollect before it is too late! You are in smashing danger! I am not speaking of the prison and the gallows, only of the greater penalization that awaits you lot! Repent before it is likewise late!

But around the corner is out little mission where yous are always welcome to seek refuge from this jungle of sin. Come up here and talk to me. Do not call up of me as Sergeant Sarah Brown, merely as Sarah Brown, your sister. Join me, Brothers and Sisters, in resisting the Devil, and we tin put him to flight forever."

16. "Oh! It is strange…" – Gwendolen Fairfax from 'The Importance of Being Earnest'

Oscar Wilde's archetype work is fully titled, 'The Importance of Being Earnest, A Piffling Comedy for Serious People.' It's incomparable wit and wordplay is perfect monologue content as can be seen by these words from leading lady Gwendolen Fairfax:

Monologue Length: 1:05 – 1:xv

"Oh! It is foreign he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, yet, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed please. [Ascent and going to her.] I am very fond of you lot, Cecily; I accept liked you e'er since I met yous! Merely I am spring to state that now that I know that you lot are Mr. Worthing'due south ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were—well, just a petty older than you seem to exist—and non quite and then very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak candidly— […] Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you lot were fully 40-2, and more commonly evidently for your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be equally impossible to him as deception. But even men of the noblest possible moral grapheme are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies usa with many nearly painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable."

17. "My aunt died of influenza, so they said." – Eliza Doolittle from 'My Fair Lady

Have on one of the near beloved characters of all time (and on Broadway currently). Quirky and lovable, this Eliza Doolittle monologue is an excellent pick for any woman who knows that the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plainly!

Monologue Length: 55 Seconds – i Minute

"My aunt died of influenza, and then they said. But it's my belief they washed the old adult female in. Yes Lord dear y'all! Why should she dice of flu when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it she was. They all idea she was dead. But my father, he kept ladling gin downwardly her throat. So she come to and so sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon. Now, what would you call a woman with that strength in her have to die of influenza, and what get of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it, and what I say is, them that pinched it, done her in. Them she lived with would have killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat. And as for father ladling the gin down her pharynx, information technology wouldn't have killed her. Not her. Gin was as mother'due south milk to her. Also, he's poured then much downwards his own throat that he knew the good of information technology."

Have a nifty comedic monologue to share with other women? Comment below…

Research credit to stageagent.com , monologueblogger.com

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Source: https://theatrenerds.com/17-comedic-monologues-for-women/